Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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