I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
