you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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