Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
