here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
