i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
