ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
