i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You were trust falling into bushes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
