He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
