Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How's work?
Spinning.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
