I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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