You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
