stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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