I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
