I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
