It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
