Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
