I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
