I'm going to jail i love you
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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