I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
