My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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