her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
