I feel great
I just peed on a car
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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