dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She's the barista slut.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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