I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
