I have demons in me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
