I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
well you can't waste a boner
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
