Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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