He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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