i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
