I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
