but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
