i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
