My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
