i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
