Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
