Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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