im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
