i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
