Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
