Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
