Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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