I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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