Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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