Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
