Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
