yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
handjob tips. give me some.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
