so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
