You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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