My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
