Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
