dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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